Let us not dwell on the past. What was done, was done. There is no way to go back and change it. In time, all wounds will heal. It will change people, unfortunately, but that is life, with life we grow, we change, we learn, we fear, we love. It's how we see things as to what we will make of it all.

A couple of good friends have returned to the lands. For that, I am grateful for. You don't realize how much you actually did miss someone until you hear their voice again, and it floods you. It really couldn't have happened at a better time. Don't get me wrong, Spyne's always has been and always will be there for me.

I am still farming away, trying to get the plat for the form for the guild. It's going pretty good actually, and with Spyne helping, going even faster. Dang that boy, he got two scepters. All I'm able to get out of those dang TB's are journals here lately. Hopefully soon, though, I will get something good. It's all a wait and see process, yet again, I guess.

I've hurt some people, and for that, I will forever be sorry for. I did what I felt I had to do. Hopefully one day they will come to understand this.

On a lighter note, I leveled yesterday. That's always a good feeling. So now, I am farming away, hopefully soon we will have the plat to buy the form for the new guild. It's really starting to take shape. The idea of an all rogues guild, well, all I can say is we will all have to check our egos at the door. But I know it's going to be great. My officers will just have to remember that i will need their support to do this right. I am so ready to get this done.

I just hope she understands my reasonings for doing what I felt like I had to do. Never meant to hurt her as bad as I did. Now she's trying to give me the guild. Why won't she see my reasonings here? Is she really that hard headed?

Gah, really hate this wait and see attitude I've taken, but I know know any other way at the moment. I do know there is more farming to be done, so I best get back to it............

You know, they say that eventually the truth will come out. Well, it has. For the past couple of days, it's been one revelation after another for me. I've gone from crying my eyes out, to furious, to now, well, i just don't care anymore.

I've quit the Hammer's. That truth revealing was one of the reasons. I don't think I will ever be able to trust but only 3 people now. And it's with those 3 that I shall move forward to the next chapter in my life. Am I happy now?? Yes, I really am. Don't get me wrong, I will miss the Hammers, they are a great bunch of people and will always help them if they need it, I just couldn't call it my home anymore.

You know what hurts the most though, is being made to look like a fool. All this time, that's what happened. And well, to say the least, I am still furious about it, who wouldn't be, really. I know that eventually I will calm down, and things will get back to normal for me, but for right now, it's like I am wanting to feed that anger and not let it go...........Maybe in the long run that will help me, who knows. I do know who to trust and who not to now, so that's always good..............

I have hurt some people, and a few of them, well, I am truely sorry I have done that, but I had to do what I had to do. If they love me, then they will understand this, and for the most part, they do, and I am truely thankful for that...........

Those dang Sea Dweller Guards and Drowned Sailors are down right mean. Have already used up one dagger just about on the sailors. Don't know how many more I will have to go through to get through this level, but I will use 100 of them if I have to. I talked to Spyne, and we both agreed to start our training back up. We will train for however long it takes to be ready for whatever may happen. After that meeting the other night, made me realize how much I want to be prepared for whatever comes.

Once I have reached 62, then I will have plenty of time to sit back and wait. That's the way I am looking at it for right now at least. We shall see what happens.......

I've been told I should do this, and been thinking of doing it for some time now. Maybe I will get it all out, this fear I have. Who know's what good it will do, I surely don't. It's been so long ago, some of the stuff may not be accurate, but it's as I remember it as of today.

I was level 24 I believe, training, like I did always back then, and still do sometimes, in the wall. One minute I'm fighting one of those scourges, the next thing I know, I'm face to face with one of Balthazar's demons. I had no clue as to where I was. I was able to fight those two demon's off, but too terrified to move forward, but I knew I had to in order to figure out where I was. I took a few steps forward, and there he was, Balthazar himself. I froze, didn't know what to do. Tus and Cel, bless them, were talking to me the whole time, trying to keep me calm, and for the most part, it worked, but deep down, I was terrified. They were all saying to stay still, Tus was on his way to help, but I couldn't, I started moving. Finally had to stop to get my bearings about me, and while I was doing so, he reappeared, right in front of me. He sat there and laughed at me, he put a curse on me, then it was like he just blew on me and the next thing I know, I was at a LM. I thank the gods to this day, that they reformed me.

Once I was back with the guild, still shaking, Tus calls us over to where our new home would be, and standing there was Balthazar. What he did to Tus, well, I will never forgive myself for that, for I feel that if I hadn't called for help and made my way out on my own, then none of that would have happened.

I sit back and look at it all now, and try to think what all it has taught me. For one, for the longest time, I was terrified of the wall, but now, I have over come that fear. Two, I still don't like the dark that much, but with a little help from Cel and Spyne, I have come to tolerate it somewhat. Three, and this one, try as I might, I warn people to stay away from him. They do not realize what terror he is capaple of. To this day, I still wake in a cold sweat from the nightmares. They aren't as bad as they once were, but, yes they are still there. I believe they are still there to help me to remember, not the bad stuff, but the good stuff. The strength that Tus and Angel both showed to try to save me. I do know there were many others that were also trying to help, I do not know who they are, but to them, I will always be greatful. Thank you........

A poem from my love:

[COLOR=yellow]I close my eye's and picture you,Your flowing red hair is the first i see of you,,then i smell your sweet scent of honey and lillys,,Your deep emerald eye's make me lose my mind,,but lost in you is the best place i find
Your cherry red lips i'm wanting to kiss,the feel of your touch on me is pure bliss,,you guide me too a magical place where the birds sing their sweet morning song
The day we declared our love for each other,The day we promised ourselves to only each other,,This is the place where our love bloomed,,This summer meadow is where my heart lays,this is the temple of our special day.
Emmy my love,my hearts trying to say,,is thankyou for the feeling you give me everyday.
I open my eye's and everywhere i see,this warm summer meadow,flowers,and your innocent beauty,,i reach for your hand with love in my heart,knowing theirs no one that can keep us apart.[/COLOR]

I have been sitting here, debating on whether I should tell him my biggest fear. I know it's uncalled for, this fear, but it's there none the less. He reassures me everyday that he loves me, and I know he does. That's not my fear. To voice my fear, even in here, well, I'm terrified that it would make it come true. He has come to mean so much to me, I really don't know what I would do without him. My day isn't complete until I get to feel his arms around me, to see his laughing eyes just once, that's when I can say my day is complete.

Things have worked out between a couple of friends, which is good. I was really worried about them. Hopefully next time they will take the time to listen to each other, which is what I kept telling them, but seems it took someone else telling them. At least he got through to them.

Well, there's farming to be done and time to be spent with him. More laters.....................

Well, I told him how I have been feeling. He was upset, but I really don't blame him. I would be upset also if he didn't tell me when something was wrong. I let him cut a little piece of my hair. I don't think you can notice it, but you definately can notice it braided in his.

I am sitting here in the Handle again, looking out. Really seems like it helps me to think. It is so peaceful here. So glad there is a place like this that I can just go to escape everything when I need to do so.

He finally leveled today. He spent all day working on gaining that level. I am so proud of him. All that hard work. Now we shall sit back and relax for a while. Help out the new adventurers that come to the land when they need it, and farming every now and then. That's what I've been doing today, down in that sewer farming away. Got a blue and a violet while I was down there, which was good I suppose, but no TB. Guess I will have to keep trying for one. I know we said not to worry about those shards, but I really do want to get him one........

I have been sitting here in the Handle, just looking out over the plains. Never realized how beautiful the Building of Glass is this time of day. It's absolutely stunning. Anyways, like I said, just been sitting here, staring at this book and at my ale, just thinking. I guess with everything that's going on between some friends, and trying to help them out, well, I hate to say this, but it's taking it's toll on me. I don't know if it's the lack of not being able to help them the way I want to, or what, but I do know I haven't been myself for the past couple of days. But what can I do to get out of this rut? I am totally at a loss. Only a few things I am positive about, one being, I can't go on like this. I think Spyne is noticing it also, and that's the last thing I want to happen. Even though I know I can be myself around him, I don't like for him to worry about me. It's my job to worry about him.

He did help me though, today when we were talking, helped me more than he knows. And for that, I am grateful. I was able to get him an ammy today. He wound up getting a glowing one. That in itself made me feel good also. All I want for him, and for Cel and Angel is for them to be happy and have the best of everything.

I'm suppose to be out there farming for a new trainee, but my heart isn't in it at the moment. I did get a little done, but not nearly enough. I just hope I can get it done here soon. At the rate he's advancing, I really do need to buckle down and do it, along with my Ambassador duties. Seems I've fallen behind in those also. With everything that has been going on, I'm suprised I can remember to do anything. Just told Spyne that I needed to tell him something, but for the life of me, I cannot remember what it is............................

I must admit, it felt so good just sitting by the frozen lake, talking with him. Something we haven't done in a while. Was able to tell him my fears, my hopes and dreams, all of it. He was, no correction, is, there to encourage me, to help me achieve them all. Was also able to explain somewhat as to what's been troubling me. Of course he understood. Feels good to have someone there, to just listen to you ramble, which I have a tendency to do at times. I try so hard to explain to him what I am feeling, but don't think the words come out right at all. I do hope he understands this.

I'm worried for someone, actually a few people. I feel useless, not knowing how to help. Hate that feeling, but I know there is nothing I can do, they must work this out on their own. Hopefully all will go well. Then there's the chantress, something is up with her, but she won't say. She's always the one to hide everything from everyone. When will she learn that I am there for her, I always will be. I do love her. She is one of the few that I can really count on, that knows me for who I am. Man, wish I could help her out, but can't do that until she's ready to talk.........

A poem from my sis:

[COLOR=yellow]Thanks for when you've listened
and shared my dreams and fears,
Thanks for giving comfort
and helping wipe away my tears.

Thanks for all the laughter
and for all your kindness shown,
For being my Friend and Sister
The best i've ever known.

I'm skint, So i'm not wealthy
But i'm Rich beyond belief,
True Friends.. Rare Gems so hard to find
So my gift of you.... Relief.

Your kindness makes you sparkle
Of this i have no doubt,
Your such a beautiful person
Inside and Out.

I too would like to be the sort
Of Friend you've been to me,
I'd like to be the Help that
Your always Glad to be.

How did i get so Lucky
To have found a Friend so True,
In a world thats sometimes Darkened
But made special coz of you.[/COLOR]

A poem from my love:

Queen of the Rogues,,Queen of the night,,you can steal a heart in the blink of an eye,,,lightening speed in the dead of night,,
Your dagger so cold across upon my skin,,wondering what deadly poision lays with in,,,Will i walk or is it the end,,i so love my deadly assassin friend
So queen of the Rogues,,assassin of the night,,is it my turn to feel your blade tonight

Thought I would slip this poem in here so I wouldn't forget it. He will probably get me for doing this, but I really don't care.

[COLOR=yellow] Emmy you are all i see,,without you their is no me,,you caught my eye a while ago,,since that day i've loved you so,,i dream of you and wake with a smile,, I'm so happy i could run for miles,,,You have shown me how to love,,i thankyou for being my love,,So the apple of my eye,,my heart is yours,,you choose if i live or die,,,I never needed anyone,,so this is new and i am lost,,,but with you to guide me i'll be just fine,,thankyou for opening this cold heart of mine[/COLOR]

Took Cel's advice and relaxed most of the day. I am taking this time to farm some while he's resting. Feel's good to have accomplished something, but not that good to put myself back through that stress again. Really must learn not to push myself so hard, but that's always been my way. Decided to just take it easy, farm and help out when I'm able to do so. Well, actually it was Spyne's idea, which is wonderful to me. I have no problems. Knowing that if I keep advancing that eventually I would have to go to the Dead Zone, and I definately do not want to go there. Besides, the Horrors here in Ol' Dundee really aren't as bad as I thought they were. Well at least now they aren't. Must rest now..................

Well, I did it. I passed him. Seems wierd though, I've always been the one to be running trying to catch up with him. It was also wierd leveling while he was sleeping, but I did it anyways. Don't know why really. Been in a wierd mood all day. Still feel like something isn't right. Not sure what it is though. Maybe I'm just tired from all the training that it's making me this parinoid. Wouldn't be the first time it's happened, and it won't be the last, I know. Must learn how to pace myself with this training. If I don't, then there's no telling what will happen to me. I do know I can't go around being paranoid over every little thing like this.....what is wrong with me....BAH...............

WOO HOO, looks like I'm going to pass him this time. I have 27% more to go, best get back to it.

So, I'm down here in this tomb training away. At least that's what I'm suppose to be doing. I know he will wind up passing me again, how can he not when I find my mind wandering so? Have you ever had this feeling like something isn't what it seems, like everything is too quiet, something or someone is planning something? That's the way I've been feeling here lately. I find myself looking over my shoulder, like someone or something is there, watching, waiting for me to mess up or do something wrong. I hate this feeling. I hate the feeling of being watched all the time and scrutinized for every little thing I do. It is taking every ounce of restrant I have at the moment to train. Why has this feeling suddenly consumed me so? Never have I felt like this. What is wrong with me? Must contemplate these things to see what is going on. Must keep watching............

Well, I went down there again today for a marc. I'm down there again now, using this UW to write. It gives me just enough light to be able to see what I am writing. It's eery down here, I will admit that. But at least the walls aren't closing in on me as much as they were earlier or yesterday. Maybe I can make it for 2 marcs this time. Maybe I can actually beat this thing before too long. At the rate I am going, I know I will be able to do so.

We have a new applicant to the guild. I am so excited. I know she will make it in. She is a wonderful person. She should fit right in.

Ok, time to get out of here now.......

((the writing here is getting a little shaky))

Well, I did it, no one was there, which I think helped a lot. Sat in that dang hole for a total of one marc....off and on of course, and I did not go past the first step. But, hey, I did it. That has to count for something, doesn't it? No one knew what I was going to do. Told no one. Spyne, bless him, was sleeping, Cel, was, well, off being Cel somewhere. So I got up, went to Dundee, bought some potions, which I needed for my training, then instead of heading out of the inn like always and back to the tunnels, I went down into that abyss. I knew this would work better than the wall, for the fact being even my UW will not penetrate the darkness down there. I am proud of myself for accomplishing this. Now to go and try for a whole marc at one time, later of course. One baby step at a time, that's what they both told me. Let's see how far I can get tomorrow, eh............

Well, I lasted a total of what.....a half of a marc down there before I couldn't handle it. Man, got to get over this. How can I go about acting like I ain't terrified of anything, when that one thing is still there? I will have to try again later, this will not control me no longer................Maybe if........I will think of some way.............

Well, try as I may, he wouldn't take the bet. So, I must come up with something else to get him back. It has to be good. I know I can come up with something. Will have to think it through long and hard. Ok, ok, so I admit it, I'm a sore loser. But hey, look at who it is....never said I was a good loser now did I? Although, it all may not be that bad.

We are still in Euthucan, and to tell you the truth, I have never felt this relaxed. I've not had to worry about anything and it all feels so good. I know we will have to go back, but I really don't want to, not right now at least. Still going to conquer that fear when I do get back though. That is number one on my list of things to do.

Haven't talked to Angel now in a few days. Hopefully we can touch base soon. She is so wonderful. Haven't talked to Cel in a bit either. I really do hope and pray she's ok. I know she has a lot on her mind, and I wish I could take some of it away for her. Why don't they realize I am stronger than they think, and they can come to me to talk to, instead of keeping it all bottled up. It doesn't matter who it is. I hate to see the people I care about hurting or in turmoil. We shall see how it all goes................

I can't believe it. I lost. Me, lost....BAHHHHHHH. Totally not fair, he had me distracted. Should have known not to make a bet with a Rogue. Well, at least now, I don't have to use caution as to what I say. Unless......hmmmm, there must be a way I can turn the tables on him. Must think this out. Can't let him get the best of me like this. I shall not....will not.....go down with out a fight. Must come up with a plan to get him now......

We are still here, and still enjoying each other's company. How long we will be here, I do not know, I am just enjoying every second I have with him right now. He made me something today. Something so out of the ordinary for him to do, I teared up when I saw it. I shall never forget it, it was so beautiful. Just knowing he took the time to do that, that in itself means more to me than he will ever know. How can a person love another as much as I do him? He consumes so much of me, it's scary at times, but in a good way. And now, it would seem like we have made a bet, which he know's I will win, I don't know why he even did that. But it would seem, I am not allowed to say a certain word now for a week. It's harder than I thought it would be. But if I win, well, the prize will be well worth it.

I know we will have to be heading back soon. I am still wanting to get those ingots so I can change this UW to Salvation. Not that I need saving mind you, but I believe it's time for me to face that fear I have. I've been thinking about when I get back, just going into the wall, no weapons or anything to give me light and just sitting there for a few marcs. I have to conquer this. It is the last thing, my last fear, the wall and the darkness. I know if I can conquer those, then I will be able to progress with my training to become the best rogue out there like I am wanting to become. I have let this fear hold me for too long now, it's time it's left, and that will be the first thing I do when I get back............


((**stuck between the pages are a few stray rose petals**))

It has been so nice. Just to sit here. Even when he's asleep, just knowing he's near me and will wake soon, that's all I need. Man, what has happened to me??? How could I let someone hold so much power over me? Not that it's bad, mind you. It's not, really, it's the most wonderful feeling I've ever experienced. It's just, I thought nothing like this would ever happen to me. I mean, come on, I'm suppose to be this cold hearted Roguess, but look at me now. Who would have thought it, eh?

So, Cel is wanting to plan another bash for the guild. I need to help her come up with something fun and spetacular. Something that will blow everyone's mind that comes. What could we do...hmmm...... Really need to take some time to think this out. I have a few ideas going round in my head, but they probably aren't what she's looking for. I will have to get with her soon about them, to see what she thinks. I know if we all band together, then we can come up with something. For we are the Hammers................

All I can say is, YAY. He's back, He has been back for a few days, but every time I was awake, he would be sleeping or vise versa *laughs softly* Oh, but the joy it was when we finally saw each other, I think I flew into his arms, and yes, I kidnapped him *chuckles* Don't think I will let him out of my sight any time soon. Just to be in his warm embrace, and to sit and talk like we did tonight, it felt so good, so right. I don't believe I have ever had anyone I could talk to like I can him. Not Cel, Angel, none of them. With him, it all comes so easily. He understands me like no one else does. With him, there's no faking anything, no hiding anything. I don't have to think before I act, I just.....act, and there are no regrets afterwards. To have someone like that in my life, where I can really be myself, oh, how I do treasure him so much.

Angel is back. Bless her, missed her just about as much as I did Spyne, but not quite. I have to feel sorry for her though. Takes a strong woman to put up with someone as crazy as Az is. But he's got a good soul. I am so glad that they are so happy together. After everything, she deserves this.

Well, must rest for now.....




((little grains of sand are suck between the pages and water marks fade some of the wording))

Ok, it's official, there's no denying it to myself anymore.....I miss him more than I ever thought possible. I don't know how much longer I can keep up the happy pretenses everyone expects from me. I do it, because, I can't let them know my pain. There are only a very few that know the real me, and it's them that I am very grateful for. They try their best to help me keep my mind occupied. But nothing will feel as good as it will when I get to see him. I miss his smiling eyes, his warm embraces, the way he makes me laugh, and the way I can talk to him about anything and everything that comes to mind. I miss just sitting by him, and not saying nothing, but knowing he knows what I am thinking. Let's face it, he is my best friend, my heart, my love. I so look forward to him waking soon, very soon, I hope............